a week before the Hari Raya..

here I am, writing this entry on saturday night,where my radio is blasting a Hari raya song right now. I am feeling happy and also excited for the first time in my life. The excitement bubbling inside me, sang along in tune with the lively rythem of the song. and the ironic thing is, my family haven't even prepared the festive cookies and bought themselves some new year clothes. funny... but we will tackle the problems one thing at a time. all of them are threatening to overwhelming me and the rest. however, we can only focus on solving the problems one thing at a time. just what I did last friday night. I stayed there late till eight pm to set up Mr Soh's computer and since we could not get into the administrator's account, the only and the last resort is to reformat the whole system. fortunately, my boss, Mr Soh, did not work on the computer and there is little data inside it. we managed to install the microsoft office and also the internet connection. the whole incident left me feeling glad and happy for the first time. so now we had to tackle the problem of tranferring the data form Mr Soh's laptop into the new computer. and since Mr Soh's laptop will be reformatted again and all Mani's data will be transferred to his laptop. and the one that Mani's using will be deemed as obsolete. or " Beyond redemption" as Grace called it. I agree with her.

finally, the day I had been waiting for arrived..

there was a time when I had a dream. A strange dream. it happened when I slept gain after eating before fasting time and it was on Sunday morning. it gripped me in a vice-like hold throughout the dream. All I can remember is or was - my sole aim is to rescue my sis no matter what the cost. As you know, Iam very close to my sis and love her with all my heart. sometimes, I missed her badly. so you can imagine the protective feeling towards her during the dream.
I dreamt that some thugs were chasing me, my sis and a friend ( who happens to be my religious classmate) and they tried their best to capture my sister. Needless to say, we also got involved with the police and were wanted too. I remember the last bit of it - we're standing around a window with the wooden blind, staring grimly at the scene below. there were hordes of police cars, and we knew that we were on the run, from the police, the thugs. we some sort devised a plan along the way, and lo and behold, we bumped into some thugs on the way out.
Got involved into a very serious fight and I yelled at my friend to take care of my sis. she went off, and I was left fighting with the bad guys. I remember the three of us sliding down an endlessly long staircase on something ( a wheelchair?) located just before our goal, the exit door. We attracted crowds and a few of them jumped out of the way. we weaved through the police cars and whizzed past the stunned policemen. they reacted a few minutes too late.
then the three of us raced towards the 3 bicycles located conveniently somewhere and we biked towards a road in Bukit Batok Area. I was at the front, and my friend lagged behind. I yelled at her and sis to catch up with me, but she went across the road and disappeared into a jungle. I biked for some more before my sis called me to follow her, I turned around, and saw the answer to our escape. my friend was in a red sports car, trying to reverse. I crossed the road carefully, acutely aware that the police can catch up anytime with us. I dropped the bicycle and ran towards the car. once the door shut closed, the feeling of tension slowly faded away. the moment it reversed and was going on the way, I felt a sense of relief.

then UI woke up.

happy..

resting from the memories of the events that happened today..

today is the day where I went back to the ITE Clementi for my ITE cert.. it's long over due. like 3 months already? yeah.. spotted and bumped into some of my old friends where I welcomed them with open arms.. haix.. it's been a long time since I chatted with them. bumped into Halman, Razmy, aum of the Tae Kwon do friends, some of the student councillors like Molly, Tom, Hajjar, Intan.. just to mention a few.

I walked into the school with a mixture of feelings, happy, excited, wondering what's their reaction is gonna be. I was dressed simple, with a white polo tee, jeans, blue slippers. and followed with makeup, and my carefully styled hair beginning to get messy from all the frantic comb throughs with my fingers and in the end, getting it frizzy. >.<

when I walked into the foyer, the first person that I spotted from afar is Shidah. I wanted to call out to her, but she seemed to be too far away from me and she walked away. darned it.. lost the chance...

I already attained my cert when I strolled into the canteen area.. bumped into sum1 I know, but I forgot her name.. we chatted to the locker where I met Molly.. she was still the same person whom I know.. and I gatecrashed into their class later, but sad to know that David Lee wasn't around at that time... needless to say, I went off first to survey other ppl. Headed to the staff office, and browsed through the office. then I got out and went down to the second storey.. and was talking to Hajjar at that time. I spotted her figure walking towards the restroom and replied, hey, I was just behind you. and you know what? her reaction is totally classic. just the kind where I really adore the most. she paused, turned around, and literally screamed in happiness. I was laughing all the way when she headed towards me with that brilliant smile of hers. we headed towards Lab 2.. for their class. was again invited to gatecrash the class, but I decided to stay outside. Spotted Intan coming, so I asked Hajjar to cover me in cheekyness. lol. she was surprised to see me. chatted for a while, and was kinda sad a bit when she told me that bad news.. oh well.. what to do. I can only pray for Intan..
noticed Tom glancing at me, so I asked Hajjar to come over. and finally! he recognised me. was munching something and did his signature style of greeting. asked the usual things. he told me that I changed totally. Changed my hairstyle, my dressing, everything. but there is only one thing that I never change, that is my specs. loved my specs too much. went to the Atrium with Hajjar later to meet Priscilla. saw her setting up some equipment for her performance later. I say man, her voice is darned good. good enough to go for the Singapore Idol.. set off to find my good sister, Diana. as i went on, I waved to her, but she didn't recognise me. she had an inkling that the person waving to her is me, but she couldn't dare to wave back. it is only during walking distance will she get up from her seat and we both ran to each other. we hugged, and her voice reminded me of the old times where we snuck out of school and talked non stop to each other to Central. we then talked about our problems. she replied something that really made me feel sad. " sigh... how come all the good times have to come to an end?"
but I told her, " all good times will come to an end. it's part and parcel of life." she agreed. my stomach grumbled. she accompanied me to the canteen, and I surveyed the food before buying. we bumped into an old friend of mine, Razmy. we exchanged numbers after talking for a while. Diana had to go off for her class, so I ate my lunch with Caiqi, Lewis and their classmates. later, as I went to the shop, I spotted faisal and Kelvin walking together to the hall. I shouted after them, and Kelvin turned around, his face expression kinda disturbed... He kept smiling with his mouth closed. Long time since I talked to him. exchanged greetings, and but he just kept smiling. I turned to chat with Faisal instead. well, he's more responsive than Kelvin.. ;x walked around aimlessly for a while, and the clock finally struck twelve. Time for me to go home.. and get ready for the next big event. the Interview..

that, I will talk about it sometime later...

adios!!

tml is the interview..

what can I say? right here, right now, here I am, trying to calm the excitement, the nervousness the happiness in inside me. watching the Poison Ivy Mv (featuring the baddies Fly to the Sky) singing in mute ( my com. speakers are dead already.) and waiting for the moment where I can get my month's pay, and the thought of facing that interview is making my feelings whirl. A rollercoaster of emotions are being felt right now, and I am trying to write this post for the sake of calming myself down. I wanna pray, so that I can face the interview tml with a calm state of mind.

if you wanna know what is going on in my life, don't worry. I'm gonna tell you in a few sentences. tomorrow, 6 Oct 2004, will be the day where I took one day leave to go back to my school for my cert. (finally) and meet al my long lost beloved friends for quite a while. Sigh.. I missed them a lot. a lot of promises to meet together are made, but somehow, most of them are never made. I wonder what is their reaction. Surprised? Delighted? Jaw dropping face expression? hee.. I can't wait to see them. a vision crept through my mind right now. a situation where I innocently pop by into a classroom and make their faces shocked by my appearance and .... (feel free to fill in the blanks.)

there's another challenge I really need Allah's help to overcome this. quite recently, I have applied for the admin post in a company located in Ngee Ann Poly. there, I really need to make sure that I will dress my best and also remember all the tips that my aunt gave me. Sometime later, I need to give her a treat. I make sure that I will remember it.

what will the outcome tomorrow will bring? I do not know.. I can only leave it to Allah's hands. Only HE can make miracles happen. I have experienced it so many times. I do know myself that I have faith in him. but only HE can make them happen. also another thing... I need to remember this rule. When something doesn't work or hinders your intention, there's always a reason why there's an obstacle being placed there in the first place. maybe, sooner or later, Allah will place you in a situation explaining why. I do understand that by thinking deeply, you will know the reason. but for now, I can only pray To HIM.

tha'ts it I wanna say tonite. Getting sleepy already... good night..

wednesday nite already...

when you see this post, you'll find me nodding to sleep already. but with a smile on my face. you want to know the reason why? I just had the best times of my life playing games at the arcade; trying our hands on the time crisis, the japanese game involving a person to drum on the big jap wooden drum (haha.. I dunno what to call it or describe it) what was thought to be the most normal event turned out to be fun with a twist. my heart is deeply filled with the joys of laughter, the fun that both me and Sabrina shared together. we tried out hands on driving games, shooting games, shopping on jap clothes, almost raiding the value one shop in Jurong point. we visited most shops in Jurong point, and she went there with the purpose of meeting her friends who worked with her in the John Little store. everyone was shocked that Sabrina cut her hair, and they raved over it. (I admit, me too..)

as for work, I think that I'm getting the spotlight again. I believe that I am getting close to crossing the fine line that 'exists' between my workplace and another company. (I'm not going to disclose the name). Of course, every company has its own set of rules and ways of doing things, so it's bound to have conflicts with other company trying to work together hand in hand. (I think) I am deeply aware that there is a silent rivalry between these two. if you observe really carefully, my colleagues wld whisper among themselves whenever a problem was dumped into them out of nowhere and both parties would fight it out strongly. it is a very competitive place out there. everything you do, or say to the staff of the rival company would be heard and listened carefully and the noted. there, that little info will be spread around among the other staff like wildfire, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I was the only one who don't even bother to listen or get involved into the fight. you could say that I am different. Different because that I was a temp staff who is really close with one of the staff from the 'rival' company, different because my only intention when I step inside the work office is to work my butt off and heck care to the rumors that went around circulating among the rest of my colleagues, different because I dare to joke, laugh, try to work together with the 'rivals'. different because, I was never a part of them in the first place, different because my very own gang can backstab me from behind, ( it happened earlier) different because I am contract staff, so the way they treat me is totally drastic than with permanent members (I'm not kidding here) all the bullshit that they give me everyday or dump into me, I just be patient, swallow it all up and move on. (although it can be very hard to do sometimes.) and I realised one thing today. "you can never please everyone. only 30% or 40% only) the rest? just buat bodoh. (ignore them)

Just in case it you don't have a friggin idea what I'm talking about, let me tell you the whole picture in just a few sentences. in my workplace, there is also another company who is signed to work together with us. their main role is to find jobs or shipments for us; let's call them the 'agent company'. and our role is to execute the shipments; liase with the warehouse ppl for the cargo, inform and keep them informed the whereabouts of their cargo.. that sort of thing. and my job? it's to record every cargo that goes on or out of the warehouse or even cargo that were directly shipped to its ultimate location (final destination) somethimes the problem that I had to deal with everyday is to find the ultimate location of the cargo. when the physical documents comes into my hands, the supplier itself does not provide the source code or the country. my option is to go to the c.s. ppl and ask them where is this item shipped to, and they did give me the info that I need. but even sometimes they may want to sabotage me, and might refuse to let me know. the other option is to ask another person, for the details. if all fails, then I have to head to the agent company and ask the agents.. if they also refuse to help you, then I really had nothing to do about it. I had no way out. and in the end, I'm the one who will get the blame. if I never provide the ultimate destination, the cargo will be stuck in the warehouse, and dust will be collected on them. so you see, in my line of work, I really cannot afford to get involved in these office politics. if I do, I'll only bound to make my job and life difficult for everyone involved. (and Johnny will be after my butt.)

ever since I started working here, I set a few rules for myself. and I make sure that I uphold them with my utmost integrity, even though I don't see myself working there for long, I strive to make sure that it will be an experience that has an ending that I'm truly proud of.

going to thursday nite..

if you have gone inside msn, and had spotted my greeting name, you must be wondering why I wrote that. to talk about my current job, I have received plenty of advice and help and support from family and friends. is there another better job for me elsewhere? Maybe Allah had determined whether this data entry job is for me, and there's a lot of 'cubaan' or obstacles that come in my way. And I can say that I have changed. (felt like i did) due to culture shock, working environment, change of friends, the way i work.

Data entry. it may seem like a simple job: analysing, putting all the required info into the microsoft excel with the goal of doing it fast and with minimum mistakes. if you don't know, ask ppl. that's easier said than done. it is good to be friendly, open, humble. tease ppl and never gossip about others. Most important of all, be really patient and receive all the bullshit from others. get the meaning?

but the truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared of wronging ppl, making them angry, making them complain about me, making them gossip about me. and I'm scared of the whole environment, the ppl, the office gossips, the office itself. and I'm scared of what they want to talk bad about me. I'm scared of being manipulated. I'm afraid of trusting others. that's why you see me quiet most of the time, and even they try to backstab me straight on the face, I will just keep my cool and just do my own job. most importantly, I do not want to get involved in the office politics that is going on right now. my intention to come to that office is to do my work, not to find trouble. I want to keep a low profile, and let nobody know about the real me. is that easy? NOPE.

I have come to realise that being a temp staff, I'm just a small fry compared to others. even my boss can be totally unreasonable, but his words speak more volumes than mine. (did I fail to mention that he's the operations Manager?) everyone can listen to him, side with him, joke, laugh with him. ) and I realise that 2 months too late. and my good friends are leaving the company at the end of the month, leaving me alone to cope in this cruel, cold world of office life. Backstabbing is the norm of ofice politics. I do not know why, but I really cannot perform my best when I know someone may be watching over me, searching for my mistakes. you may say, just ignore them. do your best and just keep a low profile. I am not a perfect person. most of the time, I make mistakes. and almost everyday, I did get scoldings from Johnny. it may be something new that I haven't learnt yet, but still, I really need at least 2 or 3 times of repeated words to get inside my head. i admit, I am a slow learner. As long as you give me time, I will try my best to learn. once you point out my mistakes, I will try my darnest to never make that mistake again. and at home, I will improvise on my methods to continuously give my 100% effort into my work. trial and error. it is onlt the best way to learn on the job. I feel like I'm investing my 100% effort, but my friend told me, I need to work more harder than before to make up for my mistakes.
right now, I make it a point to finish all my work at the end of the day, and try not to leave one document behind to do the next day. I want to master the skill of finishing all aspects of the work, not only updating the inventoy list, but also on my weakness, the passing around documents. the methods of passing change so fast until i myself get soo blur. u get what I mean? also, the matching of documents and for that, I need to liaise with the cs ppl to get the customer copy from them.

the most important thing in life, all of us make mistakes, try to learn from them. as for me, I strive my best in my work. but once I reached a certain standard, I must work harder to maintain that standard. it is easy to slack. but it's really difficult to earn back the trust from others. I learnt that lesson the hard way. for me, it has never been more humbling. I learnt to be organised, learnt to be more aware of the surroundings. (except when I'm doing my work, that's when I'm really engrossed updating the list. even ppl had to call me several times to grab my attention. hee.. ) I learnt so many things about my blindspots, which I'm not proud of. the part and parcel of my job. the treatment they give me is totally different than perm staff. I had to endure that. haix.. let me think... is there anymore I want to say in this blog post? (scratching my head) Zilch.

this is my job, my life. and this is... me.

p.s. even if I tried my best but it doesn't work out, I might as well leave and find another job.

zzz...

today is a monday for me.. the start of a new day. the thought of facing another day with the documents are making me sleepy. having an admin job is stressful. you need a lot of sleep to counter the fatique of staring at the screen for the whole day....

set of finding another job for the time being... even though I know how to cope with my job and also do my work now.... nevertheless, this work experience has taught me several life skills that I'll never forget and i'll make sure that it is something that is won;t be pushed behind... waiting.. waiting for saturday newspapers...

wanna take another job.. that's it.. cannot tahan.. wanna sleepp...